Most days I have patient's who are too sick to speak. They are too sick to verbalize their wants or needs and I have to tap into their minds to somehow figure out what they should be wanting or needing, and assess their body/position/eyes to determine what would make them more comfortable at this exact moment. Other days, I have patients who actually can ask me how my day is going and I have learned that there isn't really a great way to answer this question in a hospital. If I respond superficially, "my day has been great! I had a great workout earlier and went to Richmond to visit my best friend and we sang karaoke," I would feel guilty about the fact that I've been off having a great time (and then had to stop to come to work) when that patient may have an amputated leg, a drinking problem, an issue with social interaction, or some handicap that keeps them from all these things I've been doing casually, and maybe taking for granted. If I answer genuinely, lately, "I'm not so great, my boyfriend and I broke up and it has been really hard for me..." then I'm the insensitive nurse that no one wants to hear from again.
So instead, I respond honestly with "It's better now that I'm here!" And the surprise in their voices, "really?!" makes my heart light up. You, like my patients, may wonder how someone could be having a better day now that they are at work? I mean, it is work. Reason being, I love what I do. I love who I work with and I love the feeling I have when I leave work every day knowing that I have made a difference, big or small, in the lives of each of my patients. I couldn't actually live with myself if I were to tell them I were having either a good or a bad day while some of them are lying on their death bed, overcoming cancer, or are more ill than they have ever been before and afraid they won't make it through the night. After all, their day is "good" when they see people like me walk into their room with a permanent smile and positive energy. I can't imagine having a bad day, relatively, to the patients and even the families that are in there who stay by their loved one's bedside day in and day out just hoping that they come home.
In all honesty, my day IS better when I'm at work. My day IS better when I see these patients. My day is better when I spend more time thinking about others than when I'm thinking about myself. And isn't that the key to a happy life? Everyone is taken care of if they love themselves and their own life enough to find peace and serenity in spending time to think about, care for, and put effort into other's lives.
My sister Nicole lent me a book called The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. We are in no way religious but I believe we are both in touch with our own lives and spirituality to find great meaning behind the words in this text. One excerpt speaks of work and love which I linked to above, and have quotes from below:
"And in keeping yourself with labour you are in truth loving life,
And to love life through labour is to be intimate with life's inmost secret."
"Often have I heard you say, as if speaking in sleep, "he who works in
marble, and finds the shape of his own soul in the stone, is a nobler
than he who ploughs the soil."
I remember back when I first started my job I was so upset and vented to Wyatt about feeling so over-worked and exhausted and under appreciated-- like I wanted to go back to elementary school when I received the GATOR Award for just being a great student and nice to all of my peers. And he assured me that there is affirmation to be found in my daily life, there is appreciation spread without words accompanied, and that he leaves work each day, and therefore I should too, know that I have made a difference, had an effect on someone, am so appreciated, and to love my job so much because of that. And four months later I can honestly say I am at that point. So thanks, Wyatt.
I won't go into it but I believe that healing my recent devastation and my return to happiness has been brought about through my work, my patients, through
loving myself and loving what I do, and caring about others. I can care about people who don't know or even care about me, and therefore I am even rooting for the happiness of the one who broke my heart. I
believe that we all "inherently do what makes us happy, even if it feels terrible in the moment" (Andrew Holtzhauer) and therefore would never blame someone for seeking happiness at my expense because I know there will be a brighter light on the other side for both of us.
Like my patients, sometimes I am having a bad day and I too cannot find the words to
express the way I am feeling, the thoughts I am having, or the
devastation and sadness that has come over me. And it's such a hard
thing to cope with--to be unable to explain what you're feeling and what
you're needing in that moment. Sometimes you feel like you are the
only one who can help yourself, until you reach out to your friends who
truly understand you and can even elaborate on your feelings in a way that you couldn't even begin to explain. All in all I think that finding your place in life, or finding comfort in where you are at this moment, even if it's not where your ultimate life goal will surely take you, is the ultimate form of happiness. I have a great and meaningful job. I have a great family. I have amazing friends with whom I can talk to through all hours of the night about the deepest things in life, who accept me no matter what I say, do, or feel and support me through my toughest, darkest, most "OMG Natalie, just shutup and SMILE" times. And I am thankful for each and every one of them who has gotten me to where I am today. You know who you are! Hollaaaa
:)
